The Decision
by DoNotDryClean
Summary: Will Nick have to choose between the woman of his dreams, or the dream he has always had?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I know i shouldnt be writing another story when i havent finished the other one, but i had this idea. Its kinda random, and i have little to no idea of where its going. But oh well. Enjoy!

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He'd thought a walk in the park would have been a good idea. It was both of their nights off, a rarity indeed, and he had been desperate for some 'them' time. It had started off wonderfully. He'd taken her hand into his, pulled her close to keep her warm from the cool Las Vegas night air, and reminded her how much he loved her.

She knew Nick was trying to butter her up.

But Sara was smarter than that.

Now he had decided the walk hadn't been such a good idea after all.

Her breath was visible in the cold air, small puffs of white mist fanning around her face as she spoke to him.

More like yelled at him.

"Why can't you just leave it?" She asked angrily, pulling away from him, tucking her hands deep into her coat pocket to keep them warm. "You already know my answer on this!"

"Why can't you understand how important this is to me?" Nick asked desperately. "I let so much stuff go, Sara. I let the marriage thing go. I didn't push you to marry me. You didn't want to, so I left it. I can't leave this!"

He could make out her face in the moonlight. She was upset, he could tell. But so was he. The marriage thing still stung him, even though he had let it go. He knew her views on marriage, so he didn't push her, despite the fact they had been together for over 18 months.

He couldn't let this go though.

"I know that this is important to you, Nicky," Sara finally whispered. "I really do understand. But I just can't."

Nick swallowed. "Why?"

She shivered in the night air, and Nick desperately wanted to pull her into his arms to keep her warm. But he couldn't. Not when he was this upset with her.

She sighed. "I just swore I never would, Nick. I'm not that kind of person."

"But you can be," Nick told her hopefully. "You're such a caring, beautiful person, Sara. I know you have it in you."

But she just shook her head. "I'm sorry, Nick. But my mind is made up."

He stared at her unbelievingly, and with a quick turn of his heels, started to walk back up the street, away from Sara.

"Nick!"

He could hear her calling after him. Oh, he wanted to turn around to her. But he couldn't.

She was a fast runner, and caught up to him easily, grabbing onto his arm and pulling him back to her. Her face was red, her eyes watery.

Why was _she _upset? She wasn't the one who had her dreams thrown back in her face.

"I'm sorry." She told him. He shook his head, and pushed her away from him.

"I love you," Nick told her, his voice quivering. "You're all I've ever wanted, Sara. I… love you so much."

"I love you too," she said softly, her eyes bright. But he continued to shake his head, his thick Texan drawl coming out thick with emotion.

"But you won't marry me," he continued. "And now you won't have children with me…"

"It's not personal," Sara said annoyed.

"It is," Nick mumbled. "I only ever wanted 4 things in my life, Sara. To get a good job, fall in love, get married, and have a family. If you honestly don't want to get married, I can understand that. But having a family…"

He trailed off, causing Sara to let out a small sob.

"I'm sorry Nick. But…"

"Just don't say anything," he whispered. "I love you, Sara. I really do. But, I want a family. It's in my blood. And if you don't want a family, then… maybe we shouldn't be together."

It broke his heart just to say it. He couldn't imagine his life without the beautiful brunette. But if they didn't have the same wishes, should they be together?

She looked at him in shock, her eyes wide, and then threw herself at him, burying her face in his neck. He pulled her closer, burying his face in her hair.

He didn't want to have to let her go.

"Please Sara," he breathed softly. "Just one baby. I want to be a daddy."

He took a deep breath, trying to keep his emotions in check. "Please?"

He felt her mumble something against his neck.

"Pardon?" he whispered. She shook her head.

"I… just can't."

Nick pushed her away, and continued to walk back up the street. She called out for him again, but this time, Nick didn't hear.

Now he figured, he had two choices. Accept Sara's decision, and not have the family he had always wanted, or leave her, and find someone who had similar aspirations.

His heart was screaming out to stay with Sara, and that he could never find anyone else who he loved more than her.

But, if he ever wanted to be a dad, he would have to leave Sara.

Unfortunately, his head was swaying towards the latter.

Maybe Sara wasn't the one for him after all.

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TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thanks so much for the reviews! It meant muchly! This chapter is kinda blah, but it does get better. i actually have a plan now!

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She went back home immediately, her guilt weighing her down.

Nick probably wouldn't be back for hours.

She closed her front door, and leant against the heavy wood. Sliding down, she wrapped her arms around her legs, hugging them tightly to her chest.

She would die if Nick left her.

He was everything to her. She'd never felt this way before about a man. Oh, there had been Grissom, her infatuation for so many years. But it hadn't meant anything, really. But then, one night, after a get together with Nick, he'd kissed her, and everything she thought she had felt for her supervisor was gone, and all she could think about was the man kissing her.

That was almost two years ago.

He'd asked her to marry him. She knew it meant a lot to him, but she told him she didn't think they needed a piece of paper to prove that they loved each other. She could tell he was disappointed, but he took it in his stride.

Then he had asked about children. Sara could tell it meant a lot to him. His face lit up, and he radiated excitement. She could tell right then and there that he would be a good father.

If only she could give him a baby.

When she told him she wouldn't, it had broken his heart.

And left her feeling so guilty.

She should have just told him why. But the thought that he would leave her made her keep her mouth closed.

And now he might leave her anyway.

She stood up, brushing down her shirt. Making her way to the bedroom, she quickly changed into a tank top and panties, and climbed into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck.

She wanted to make Nick happy. She really did. It was all she wanted. But she couldn't. How much longer could she live a lie?

Then, she didn't know how long after she had climbed into bed, she heard the front door open, and soon after she saw Nick come into the dark room. He stood at the door, staring at her for a while. She didn't speak, and he assumed she was asleep.

He undressed, and slipped into the bed. Immediately, he pulled Sara into his arms, and she let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. She heard him let out a shuddering breath, and she felt tears welling up in her eyes.

She so badly wanted to give him what he wanted.

But she couldn't. And he would leave her if he found out the truth.

She didn't want that.

"It's okay, baby," he whispered, although she could tell that it wasn't okay. She turned in his arms, and buried her face into his chest. He sighed.

"If you don't want to have a baby," he said softly, "I understand. But…"

She let out a sob. "I'm so sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" he questioned.

"Because I cant give you what you want."

He was silent for a minute. "You can't? Or… won't?"

It had never occurred to him that maybe Sara couldn't have children, literally. He'd always thought it had been a thing of her choice. Maybe, after all that had happened, it wasn't.

"I… cant." She whimpered, and Nick felt her stiffen against his chest. Was she scared?

"Can't you have children?" he asked her gently. It took her a minute, but then she nodded.

"I'm sorry," she said again. Nick just stared at her, shocked.

"Why?"

She shook her head. "I… don't want to talk about it now."

Nick didn't press her. Instead, he pulled her closer. He felt her let out a laugh, and she tried to pull away from him.

"What? You still want damaged goods?"

It hurt Nick to hear Sara talk about herself that way. Is that why she didn't tell him? Did she think he'd just ditch her because she couldn't have children?

"It's okay," he tried to assure her, pulling her back towards him. Was he trying to assure her, or himself?

Sara tried to fall asleep, but the same thoughts just kept on running through her brain. She didn't want to leave him. She didn't want him to leave her.

But could she honestly continue to be happy with Nick when she knew she couldn't make _him_ happy?

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TBC...

pllleeeaaasssee review!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Thanks for all the reviews. Muchly appriciated. In The End will be updated soon, i promise, i am just having the most chronic writers block ever. Sorry. If anyone has any ideas... PLEASE let me know. I'm all ears.

Warning... chapter is chock full of ANGST!! READ IT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!! ANGST!!!!

Fair enough warning?

Then continue on...

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As a child, Sara had always thought that if she were the perfect daughter, everything would be all right, her parents wouldn't fight anymore, and her father wouldn't hurt her anymore. But as she grew up, she found that no matter what grades she brought home, no matter how nice and polite she was, she couldn't change anything. So she promised herself she wouldn't try to be 'perfect' for anyone, because, in reality, being perfect didn't exist. If someone couldn't accept her for who she was, she couldn't really be bothered with them.

What she didn't expect was that person to be herself.

The weeks following her and Nick's fight became a constant inner battle for her. She still felt guilt that she couldn't give Nick what he most desperately wanted. And although he said it wasn't her fault, and that he was okay with it, she could tell that he wasn't _really _okay with it. It was the small things that told her.

When he spoke to her, there was something missing from his voice.

When he kissed her, it wasn't with the same passion he had held for her.

When she told him she loved it, he didn't respond with as much love as he usually did.

Something was gone from him.

And it was her fault.

She wasn't good enough for him anymore.

Oh, she didn't doubt that he still loved her. She knew he did. But she knew that it would be hard for him to continue to love her when she couldn't be perfect for him.

He would reach for her at night, desperate for her touch, and she wouldn't let him. She would shy away from him.

She didn't deserve his touch.

He deserved someone better than her. Someone who could give Nick what he deserved. What he wanted.

She loved him so much. And if he would be truly happier with someone else, then he should leave her. She would be crushed, but she would understand.

But he didn't leave her.

And she couldn't leave him. She just couldn't. She couldn't live the rest of her life knowing that she had let him go on her own free will. That she had passed the chance of love up.

It would be his decision.

As the weeks passed, she waited for him to leave her. Waiting for her doom, as such. But he didn't.

But she could feel them starting to drift apart. The children issue a solid barrier between their relationship that wouldn't budge.

And she felt herself slowly fall.

It was subtle at first. She became more miserable. Felt more and more guilty. It was her fault this was happening. Her fault Nick wasn't happy. Wasn't happy with _her. _

She wasn't perfect.

She started to spend more time at work, making excuse not to go home. It was just like the days before she and Nick got together. She started to pile on the overtime again.

It didn't go unnoticed by the rest of the team.

They knew about her and Nick's relationship. It had caused a few internal problems at first, but after that, the news was quite welcome. It had changed Nick and Sara for the better.

But now, Sara had returned to the lab full time. Over time. All the time.

Never spending any time with Nick.

Wouldn't it be better if she just died? Nick could find someone else, someone who could give him what he wanted, and he wouldn't be left with the guilt that he had left her. She would have left him, really.

And she wouldn't be alive to feel the pain.

Nick didn't really seem to notice anything wrong with Sara. Or maybe he did, and just chose to ignore it. Maybe he did notice but was too wrapped up in his own internal battle to do anything about it.

They were both suffering.

Days passed. Weeks. Nothing changed.

So she decided to do it.

They were both sleeping. Just gotten home from shift. Nick was curled up in bed, hugging Sara close to him. She let him, and as he slept, she planned what she needed to do.

What she needed to do for him.

She eventually slipped away from him. He groaned from the loss of contact.

She felt her heart spilt in half. She didn't want to do this.

But it was her only choice, wasn't it?

She leant down, brushing her lips over his forehead gently, as to not wake him. She couldn't wake him up. But his eyelids fluttered open, and she quickly pulled away. Immediately, his brown eyes filled with concern at the sight of her moist brown ones. He pulled her down on top of her, molding his lips to hers, and running his hands underneath her shirt.

Maybe she could loose herself in him one last time.

They kissed, touched, and loved each other, and after they had finished, they lay in bed, sweaty and sated. Nick reached for her again, his hand gently caressing her bare hip.

She had to do it now.

"I'm, uh, going to have a bath," she whispered. Nick smiled at her, leaning over to press his lips against hers. She swallowed unhappily.

She didn't want to do this.

But it was the only way.

Slipping on her bathrobe, she made her way out of the room. Opening the bathroom door, she slipped inside, locking it behind her.

She hoped Nick wouldn't notice. She _never _locked the door.

Her hands turned the knobs of the bath, the tub slowly beginning to fill with hot water. She took off the robe, and folded in neatly, placing it on the top of the toilet. When the bath filled enough, she turned it off.

She was trembling as she slipped into the water, her knees sticking out the top of the water, making her shiver despite the temperature of the liquid, which was burning her skin.

Leaning back, she dipped her hair into the water, letting the water burn her scalp. Coming back up, she ran her hands over her face, as the tears finally came.

She _had _to do this for Nick.

She lay in the bath for about half an hour, letting her quiet sobs fill the bathroom. Quiet enough so Nick couldn't hear her.

The sooner she did this, the better.

Her hands reached over and she grabbed the razor. With nimble fingers, she pulled it apart, and the razor blade fell into the tub. Her hand fell into the water, and her fingers scoured the bottom of the bath until she found it.

It was sharp, she could tell. Her finger was bleeding from when she had picked it up.

Very sharp.

Taking a deep breath, she pressed it to her wrist, the blade immediately slicing into her soft flesh. She let out a whimper of pain, and pressed it harder, dragging it across her wrist, until blood began dripping into the water, turning it a red color.

Tears still streaming down her face, she began to hack at her other wrist, until she began to loose consciousness. Her head lolled back against the cool ceramic of the bath, and she felt the life slowly drain out from her, the razor falling from her fingers and clinking against the tiles of the bathroom.

Felt her unhappiness drain from her.

Nick would be happier now.

In the back of her mind, she heard a loud banging, but as she finally took notice of it, her eyes drifted closed, and she drifted into unconsciousness.

Just as Nick barged into the room.

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Oh No!!!!!!!!!!

AHHH!!!

Please review :)


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Oh my, new chapter! LETS GET SILLY!!!!!!!**

**Okay, thanks so much for the reviews. You guys are awesome. Really, you are. Keep up the solid work!!! AHHH!**

**Anyway, i had this chapter written the same time as the last one, which explains why it is up so fast. The ideas just keep on coming!!**

**So...**

**new chapter...**

**enjoy!**

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Nick would have been lying if he said that learning that the woman he loved more than anything couldn't have children hadn't affected him. It had broken a small part of him.

But it still hadn't changed his love for Sara.

Of course, things had been rough over the last couple of weeks. He hadn't been himself, shying away from Sara, and keeping to himself.

It really hurt knowing that the only way he could biologically have a child was to leave Sara.

He couldn't do that. He could never find another woman he loved and cared about more than her.

But now she was acting different now. She wasn't herself, and he wondered if it was something that he had done. He hadn't meant to hurt her. But the way she was acting suggested something had happened. She was never at home anymore. She'd call him when he got home, and told him she was working late. Sometimes she wouldn't even come home at all, leaving Nick all alone in bed, wondering where he had gone wrong.

He and Sara were falling apart.

She wouldn't let him touch her. He would reach for her at night, desperate to touch her, and she'd shimmy away from him, curling herself up into a ball to get away from him. To protect herself.

She was hurting.

And he didn't know what to do.

What kind of crummy boyfriend did he make? He couldn't even help the person he loved most in the world when she needed him most. And the help and support he did offer, she rejected.

How long could a relationship last like this?

That night he lay in bed, half-asleep, but not really being able to sleep. Sara was still awake, he could tell by her breathing. He didn't know how long he was lying there before he felt the bed sink a bit, before releasing.

Sara was getting up.

He didn't open his eyes until he felt her breath on his forehead, and her soft lips brushing against his head. He saw her eyes, damp. She was upset. Feeling his heart beating painfully in his chest, he reached up and pulled her down, kissing her hand, and letting his hands caress her body.

God, he hadn't touched her in weeks, and his body knew that. He felt some reluctance on Sara's side briefly, before she finally allowed him to touch her.

He flipped her over, allowing his lips to travel down her soft neck. She tasted so good. He loved her so much. He quickly undressed her, and she undressed him, and they succumbed to the passion they both had for each other.

They lay there for a while afterwards, and Nick gently continued to caress her.

She stiffened again, and stood up.

"I'm, uh, going to take a bath," she whispered. He smiled at her softly, watching as she slipped her bathrobe on, covering up her beautiful body from his sight. And without even a backward glance at him, she left the bedroom.

And he heard the lock click into place.

Something was up.

Sara never locked the bathroom door.

He dismissed it though.

After a while, he got up, and got dressed, slipping out of the bedroom. Sara was still in the bathroom, and as he passed the door, he heard her quietly crying.

Oh God… what was wrong with her.

He remembered that she locked the door. She obviously didn't want to be disturbed, but he couldn't listen to her crying, in pain, and not do anything about it, could he?

He went into the kitchen, and put the kettle on. He'd give her a couple more minutes, and then he was going to go in there.

She'd been in there for way too long anyway.

He made himself a cup of coffee, and after placing the cup down, went over to the bathroom door. He knocked.

There was no answer.

A bad feeling sunk in his stomach as she knocked again. Harder this time, his fist thumping against the hard wood.

"Sara!" he called out, knocking even harder. "SARA!"

Without a second though, he barged the door down, the door slamming against the wall as Nick rushed inside the bathroom.

Sara's lifeless body greeted his sight.

His heart froze in his body.

The bath was full, but the water was bloody, and Sara's body lay in the water, her head resting against the side of the bath. Her eyes were closed.

He ran to the bath, falling to his knees in front of it. With trembling hands, he reached into the bath, gently tapping Sara's face.

"Sara, baby," he yelled, his voice shaking. "Wake up, sweetheart!" His hand reached up to her soft neck, and pressed two fingers against the pulse points, and was relieved to still find a pulse. It was weak, but it was there.

"Sara," he said again. "WAKE UP!"

She didn't move, and he plunged his hands into the water, pulling Sara out, cradling her naked body against his chest. His eyes fell on her torn wrists, and he felt his entire heart break.

Oh God… what had she done to herself. Why had she hurt herself? Why had she tried to kill herself?

He ran into the lounge room, and grabbed his phone, quickly dialing 911, continuing to hold his unconscious girlfriend in his arms.

An ambulance was sent, and Nick gathered Sara more firmly in his arms, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her, before stepping outside, holding Sara more closely to him. He was shaking so hard, his entire body trembling.

"Come on baby," he whispered. "Sara!"

He could hear the sound of the ambulance, and within minutes, they had pulled Sara from his arms, and loaded her into an ambulance. Nick rode in the back, but wasn't allowed to touch her. He just watched them work on her, trying to restore life back into her body.

He wasn't really watching. All he could think about was her lifeless body lying in the bloody water.

Why?

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He sat in the waiting room, his body still trembling. The doctors were yet to tell him anything, and he had been there for over an hour. His head rested in his hands, and he continued to pray that she would be okay.

Why did she try to kill herself? Was it something he had done?

He was filled with so many unanswered why's.

And his heart wouldn't stop beating uncontrollably.

Was she still alive?

He looked up, and saw a doctor walking towards him. He jumped out of his seat, and rushed towards him.

"Sara?' he questioned urgently.

"She'll be fine," the doctor told him. "We managed to resuscitate her and stop the bleeding."

Nick let out a sigh of relief, and felt his eyes growing moist. He couldn't imagine his life without Sara. And for a brief moment, it seemed like he was going to find out.

He couldn't thank the doctor enough. "Can I see her?" Nick questioned urgently. He needed to see her, to hold her. Tell her that he loved her.

The doctor shook his head. "I'm sorry. She needs her rest. Maybe in a few hours?"

Nick nodded, and quickly turned away from the doctor, wiping away a lone tear that had slipped down his cheek.

"Oh…"

The doctor spoke, and as Nick turned around, he saw him giving Nick a small smile, confusing Nick greatly. Why was he smiling?

"Yes?" Nick asked. The doctor gave him a bigger smile as he spoke again, clapping Nick on the back.

"The baby's going to be okay too."

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**OH MY!!! LETS GET SILLY AND REVIEW!!!!!!!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **SOOOOOOOOO SORRY for the long wait. I've been sooo busy, and i didnt even have time to reply to my reviewers. For that, i ask for your forgivness. I just wanted to get this chapter up and running!

Thanks to: **Januarynineteen, jdcocoagirl, heartagram69, Treyann, snickers, nickysbabygirl, wraiths-angel, thegreatbluespoon, forensicsfan, MollyMKS, Just Thinking, saraluver, CSI-4077, nick fan, missiemeghan, Mma63, AnMaDeRoNi, heather, Nicki-hunny, lovestoact, necira, Beauty in my Breakdown, Kristafied, Lovely-Blossom. **

**MANY THANKS!!! **

Not all questions will be answered in this chapter. But all good things come to those who wait!

Well... what are you waiting for? READ:P

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It took Nick a moment to compose himself after the doctor's statement. He was shocked. Surprised… and utterly happy? A wide grin spread over his face. But then the reality sunk in.

Sara couldn't have children.

Could she?

"But… she can't have a baby?" Nick said softly, voicing his thoughts. The doctor gave him a small smile.

"Well I can assure you she can," he said. "She's about 10 weeks along."

Nick stood there silent for a long time, letting it all sink it. He was going to become a dad. The thing he thought he could never share with Sara was finally going to happen. He was finally going to have a family.

Suddenly, the balloon of happiness inside of him deflated when he remembered why he was here.

Sara had tried to kill herself…

Hadn't she known she was pregnant?

"Can I… please see her?" Nick asked again desperately. "I need to see her. Even if I'm only going to sit next to her. I need to be with her."

The doctor considered this for a moment. "O-Kay," he said slowly. "But don't disturb her."

Nick nodded, and the doctor led him through the hospital, and paused outside Sara's room.

"Thanks," Nick said, and quietly pushed the door open.

Sara lay in a hospital bed, asleep. She was pale. Too pale. Her hair was fanned out around her head, which lolled slightly to the side. Shaking a bit, Nick moved forward, and sat down besides her bed.

Her breathing was even, and even though she was pale, it was nothing compared to how Nick found her. He shuddered slightly at the memory…

He could have lost her.

His trembling hand reached up and he laced his fingers with hers, bringing her hand up to his lips. He pressed his lips to her palm, and his eyes found themselves drawn to her wrists, that were covered with bandages.

Sara had such delicate wrists. He had always been amazed by her fine bone structure. But now, all they reminded him off was what she had tried to do.

He brought her wrist up to his lips now, and pressed them against the material, hoping that maybe his kiss could take her pain away.

This was all too real.

Seeing her lying there finally had him reduced to tears. It started off with just a few tears, but now they were falling like a waterfall. He cradled Sara's hand against his cheek, and just stared at her face.

He could have lost her.

And the baby.

Was this his fault? Had he been too blinded by his own misery that he hadn't seen hers? He felt so furious with himself. This was his fault. His gaze fell to the ground as he struggled with his own thoughts, and he didn't see Sara's eyes flutter open.

"Nicky?'

She sounded confused, and as Nick looked up into her out-of-focus eyes, he realized why. Sara had tried to end her own life. And he was there. The two didn't add up to her.

"Sweetie," Nick choked out, forcing a smile onto his face for her. She looked confused, and her eyes darted around the room. Her lips started to move, but no words came out, and her already fragile body began to tremble.

"It's okay," he breathed out, leaning closer to her. "It's going to be okay."

A tear leaked out of Sara's eye, and Nick brushed it away with his thumb, before leaning up and resting his forehead against hers. Her eyes were wide, and being up so close, Nick could almost see the emotions playing in the brown pools. Fear, sadness, regret… and maybe… relief?

"I almost lost you," he murmured, and Sara let out a small sob.

"I'm sorry," she whimpered.

There were so many things he wanted to ask her. How long had she thought about killing herself? Was it something he had done? Was she miserable with him? But instead, he asked the one he longed to know most of all.

"Why?" He questioned gently. "Why did you do it, baby?"

She was so close that he could feel her breath fanning across his face. It was the best thing he had felt in so long. It proved she was alive.

"I wanted…," she trailed off, and Nick urged her on with his eyes.

"… I wanted you to be happy," she finished, her voice sounding more and more less-confident with each passing word.

He looked at her incredulously. "How could you think that," he said, determinedly "When the only reason I am happy is because I _have _you in my life?"

When she didn't say anything, he added, "I love you."

She blinked, and another tear rolled down her cheek. "But I can't give you what you want…" she softly replied. "I want you to have the life you always wanted. A family."

So it was about children?

He didn't know if he should tell her about the baby. Was she too fragile to know? He debated whether or not to ask the doctor. He would probably say no. But at the same time, the woman he loved had tried to kill herself because she thought she couldn't have what was growing in her body at this very second. Should he tell her, and hopefully erase the pain she was feeling?

Nick pulled back from her a bit, and grabbed her hand again. He gently traced circles on her knuckles, soothing her. Looking into her eyes again, he made the decision.

"Sara," he whispered. "You're pregnant."

Nothing registered in her eyes, and she shook her head.

"That's impossible."

Nick smiled at her. "No, sugar, its not. You're 10 weeks along."

Her lips quivered slightly, and she looked at him unbelievingly. Her came closer again, lightly brushing his lips over hers. It wasn't romantic. It was reassuring.

"We're going to have a baby," he added, and he felt Sara begin to sob against his shoulder, continually muttering 'its impossible' under her breath. He pulled the hand he still held, and placed it against her abdomen. She wasn't showing, but he pushed her hand against her stomach anyway.

"Can't you feel it?" he asked her. He pulled away from her again, letting his hand rest over hers, continually stroking her knuckles, fingers, and wrist. He turned her hand over, and rested two of his fingers on her wrist. Looking up at her again, she whimpered another apology.

"I'm sorry."

He leant forward again and brushed his lips against her forehead.

"I am too."

And Nick wondered what she was sorry for. That she tried to kill herself, or that she had failed?

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PLEASE REVIEW! It makes me smile :) 


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **Whoa, its been a long time since i posted for this story, but here i am. Now that I've finished my other one, i can concentate on this one now. I know whats going to happen, so unless real life gets in the way, there should be regular updates. YAY!

Anyway, Happy Australia Day for anyone who lives in Australia!

READ!!

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Nick's mind was fuzzy when he awoke, and his neck ached from the position in which he had been sleeping. Sitting in the chair besides the hospital bed, his head had rested forward, nestled on Sara's bed. He sat up, running his left hand through his short hair as his right gently squeezed Sara's hand, which was still entwined with his own. She was still asleep, and thankfully had gained some color during that time. Glancing at his watch, he realized almost 8 hours had passed, and nobody had bothered to remove him from the room.

Suddenly, Sara's door opened, and the doctor poked his head into the room. Upon seeing Nick awake, he gestured for him to come outside. With a quick glance at Sara, and a small kissed placed on her hand, he left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

"Thanks for letting me stay with her," Nick told the doctor. He just smiled at Nick.

"That's quite alright."

Feeling the now familiar ache rise in his chest upon remembering why she was at the hospital, he looked back at Sara's room.

"Will she be alright?"

The doctor nodded. "She should be fine physically. There was no permanent harm down, and the baby appears to be doing fine."

Nick mentally slapped himself. He kept on forgetting that Sara was pregnant. The doctor didn't seem to notice, and continued talking.

"You are aware that she'll need therapy when she is released?"

Nick nodded. The thought had crossed his mind. It was logical and necessary, but it made his heart ache. What had his beautiful Sara done to herself…

"I've also arranged for Ms. Sidle's doctor to see her. She should be here soon."

"Do you know where Sara can leave?" Nick asked the doctor. He knew Sara hated hospitals, and he wanted to get her home as soon as possible at a place she could feel more comfortable. A place where she could begin to heal.

The doctor frowned. "It will be a few days. I need her to be evaluated by a therapist before I release her."

Nick let out a small sigh. "Of course." He gestured towards the door. "Can I… go back to her now."

He nodded. "Dr. Clark should be here soon anyway."

Nick turned back towards Sara's room, and opened the door quietly, as to not wake Sara. But when he peered inside, he found her awake, and he made his way over to her.

"Hello sweetheart," he breathed out as soon as he got to her. He sat down, and grabbed her hand again. She didn't say anything, only blinked a few times. Nick shuffled closer to her, and pressed her hand to his lips, his eyes never leaving hers.

Over the months they had been together, Nick had broken down the wall surrounding Sara's heart, and could read her eyes like an open book. But now, as Nick gazed into her brown pools, he couldn't read anything into her. She'd closed herself off. She'd put her wall back up. It hurt.

"Am I really pregnant?" Sara asked finally. Nick smiled, hoping she would smile too.

"Yes, you are."

She didn't smile, but gave him a pensive look.

"Are… are you happy about that?"

He looked at her incredulously. "Are you serious? Sugar, I'm over the moon!"

She finally smiled, but it didn't seem to reach her eyes. "Well then I'm happy too."

She squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back.

There was a knock at the door, and Dr. Jo Clark stuck her head inside the door.

"Come in," Nick told her, and she stepped inside, closing the door behind her, shooting Sara a smile.

"Hello Sara," she said. Sara gave her a small smile, her hand going limp in Nick's. Dr. Clark looked at Nick.

"Could we have a few minutes please, Mr.…?

"Call me Nick," he said, and stood up, leaning down to brush his lips over Sara's.

"I love you, sweetie," he told her. She swallowed.

"I love you too."

He gave her a smile, hoping to conjure from her too, but he was unsuccessful, as she just starred straight ahead. As he passed Dr. Clark, he shot her a desperate look, and left the room, closing the door, and sitting down in the waiting room waiting for Sara to finish, the ache in his chest never leaving him.

* * *

Dr. Clark sat in the chair that Nick had previously occupied.

"How are you doing?" She asked Sara. She shrugged.

"I'm not sure," she replied honestly. And it really was the truth. Sara felt confused, angry, sad, guilty, and scared. She just didn't know what to do.

"The doctor here tells me you're pregnant…" Dr. Clark spoke carefully. Sara just nodded.

"I am."

"Did you know before you attempted suicide?"

Sara shook her head. "I would have… never… done anything like that if I knew…"

The doctor just looked Sara up and down, a sympathetic look on her face.

"Sara, I understand how you must be feeling. Pregnancy can be a daunting experience, especially with someone with your condition."

"It has nothing to do with that," Sara said sharply, her eyes narrowed. Her hand had come firmly to rest on her abdomen. The reality that she was pregnant had finally settled in, and although the fear was still there, she couldn't erase Nick's smile from her mind.

"Are you planning to keep the baby?" Dr Clark asked softly. The question needed to be asked, but she already knew the answer. She had been Sara's doctor for 6 years, and knew Sara opposed abortion.

Sara nodded. "I didn't plan on getting pregnant," she whispered. "But now that I am… how can I deny Nick this?"

Dr. Clark said nothing, just studied her patient, before letting out a small sigh.

"You know the risks, Sara," she said. "I think it would be best to discuss this with Nick before you make a decision. It's extremely important."

"Nick doesn't need to know," Sara said firmly. "This child is important to him, and I will do this for him. I do know the risks, but even you know that there is a chance that everything will be fine."

Dr. Clark pursed her lips. "I know that, however, we have discussed this before, and you know that there is a high risk of danger. However, the decision is up to you. I will support you in what ever you choose."

Sara swallowed. "I will keep the baby, despite the risks."

The doctor gave Sara a small smile. "Well, we'll need to organize an appointment for you to get an ultrasound, and prescribe some of the pre-natal vitamins. I'll talk to the doctors here, and find out when you'll be leaving."

Sara nodded, and let her gaze drift down to her stomach. This was real. She was pregnant. A tiny part of her was happy. The other part was frightened. So scared about what could happen.

"Do you want me to get Nick now?"

Dr. Clark was at the door, and Sara nodded. The doctor hesitated before speaking. "

'Sara, I think you should tell Nick about this. He has the right to know."

She closed her eyes, and when she opened them, Dr. Clark was still standing there. Sara shook her head.

"I don't want him to worry about me," she said, her voice trembling a bit. "I know he already is, and will already treat me like glass… he doesn't need to know about this. I just need to convince him I'm fine, and that everything is going good."

Dr. Clark sighed. "Okay, Sara."

She opened the door, and Nick came in, eyes brimming with worry. He came towards her, and Sara managed a small smile at him. He broke into a smile himself, and sat down on her bed, and drew her into his arms.

She felt so tiny against him, and buried her face into his neck. He was stroking her back, and holding her tightly to him, almost as if he were afraid that if he let go, she'd disappear.

"How did it go?" Nick asked, his voice concerned. Sara closed her eyes, and leant further into Nick. How could she tell him that the fetus in her womb could be a ticking time bomb? That the child he so desperately wanted could kill her?

She couldn't.

"Everything's looking great," Sara lied. Nick pulled back, smiling, and brushed his hand across her cheek.

"Everything is going to be great from now on, sweetie," he promised. "I'll always be there for you, no matter what, okay? If you're ever upset, please tell me… I don't want you to hurt yourself again…"

He trailed off, his voice filled with pain, and it was then that Sara understood how much Nick was hurting.

"I'm sorry," Sara whispered. "I don't know why I did it… I just…"

"Shhh, " Nick said softly, his brown eyes looking deep into hers. "It's okay. Just promise me you'll never try this again. It'd kill me if you died, honey."

Sara nodded, and Nick drew her back into him again, his own body trembling from emotion, and Sara felt tears start to fall from her own eyes. Nick softly rocked her in his arms, trying to comfort her.

But all Sara could think about was what Nick had said. _It'd kill me if you died. _She knew he meant it. She didn't want that to happen. What if she kept this from Nick, and she died. What would he do if he found out that she had known the risks, and hadn't told him because she knew how much he wanted this baby?

It _would _kill him.

She started to cry more heavily, and Nick just continued to stoke her, whispering in her ear how much he loved her, completely unaware of the real reason she was so upset.

"Everything is going to be okay," he told her, his own voice constricted by tears.

And Sara hoped against hope that it would be, and that, for the first time ever in her tragic life, she would finally get her happily ever after.

* * *

Sara's condition will be revealed in future chapters.

Please review!


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews!

* * *

Nick gently pushed the door open to Sara's hospital room, to come and collect her to take her home. He had been an unwavering presence at the hospital since she had been admitted, but the doctors had insisted he leave while Sara was being evaluated. He was there now to pick her up, and take her home, after the doctors had called him to let him know Sara had a clean bill of health, physically and mentally.

Sara was sitting on the side of her bed, dressed in sweats and a long sleeved shirt, which she had pulled down over hands, so that her still bandaged wrists could not be seen. She seemed so small, her clothes seemingly drowning her body. Nick strode over to her quickly, and she glanced at him, offering him a small smile.

He sat down, and pulled Sara into his arms. She went limp in his arms, and Nick rubbed his hands up and down her back soothingly.

"How did it go?" he asked her softly. She shrugged.

"They said I was fine," she said quietly. "They said I wasn't a threat to myself."

Nick nodded. He knew this, but he still wanted her to say it.

"Ready to go?"

She nodded, and brushed her hair out of her eyes. Nick pressed his lips to her head, letting his breath wash over her. She let out a sigh, and wrapped her own arms around Nick. A knock sounded at the door, and a nurse came in pushing a wheel chair.

"Come on," Nick said gently. Sara rolled her eyes, but sat down on the chair none the less. Nick took the handles from the nurse, and gently pushed Sara from the room. He'd already signed her discharge papers, so when he reached the hospital lobby, Sara was able to walk out of the hospital by herself.

The ride back to their house was in silence. Nick was nervous. He was taking Sara back to their house, where she had tried to end her own life. How would she react when she saw everything again? He had cleaned everything up, and the therapist had said Sara wasn't a threat to herself, but that still didn't stop Nick from worrying.

He couldn't stop worrying anymore.

It wasn't just Sara's health he had to look out for anymore, but also the life growing inside of her.

"The guys miss you," Nick said, glancing at Sara. She had been looking out the window, but at Nick's words, turned back to him. At Sara's request, Nick had only informed Grissom of what had happened. Their supervisor had been extremely concerned, and immediately relieved both Nick and Sara from duty for as long as it was needed. Nick had told the others that Sara was feeling extremely under the weather, and needed some time off to recuperate. Although the lie wasn't great, they had fallen for it.

"I miss them too," Sara replied softly, her gaze then returning out the window. Nick leant over and grabbed one of her hands, caressing it softly, holding it against his thigh as he drove.

The rest of the ride was made in silence, and when they reached their house, Nick grabbed Sara's bag from the back, and escorted her into the house.

She walked in first, Nick's hand at the small of her back, a small sign of support. But she didn't seem to need it. Sara immediately went and sat down on the couch, and Nick dropped the bag on the ground.

"So," Nick started. "What do you want for dinner?"

Sara shrugged. "I'm not really hungry."

Nick didn't like to nag Sara. He hated it, actually, and he knew that she did too. But his main concern was her welfare, and he didn't need to glance at her body to know that she was seriously underweight. She had even lost a few pounds at the hospital, and Nick knew this was bad news. Whether she liked it or not, Nick was going to make Sara eat, and do whatever else he wanted her to do to try and make her healthy again, especially since she was pregnant.

"You know what?" Nick asked her. She looked up at him, eyes full of confusion. "I'm not really hungry either. But we have both got to eat, because otherwise we'll become unhealthy."

Sara blinked, and Nick walked into the kitchen, and began pulling pots and pans out of the cupboard.

"You want some stir fry?" he asked her. "Vegetarian, I promise."

He smiled at her, and to his relief, she smiled back, and stood up to join him in the kitchen. She stepped up to him, and wrapped her arms around his waist, and Nick put down the pan he was holding, and wrapped his arms around her. It had been weeks since he and Sara had done this: just stood wherever and held each other. He had missed it, and he tightened his hold on her.

Maybe he was finally getting his old Sara back.

She pulled away from him, and leant up to brush her lips against his. She gently kissed her back, but then released her. He didn't need this going further, and instead opened the fridge, pulling out the fresh ingredients and placing them on the counter. He was going to make healthy fresh meals for her now, everyday.

When he closed the fridge, he turned back round to the counter, and found Sara pulling out a knife to cut the vegetables. Two people in a relationship helping each other make dinner.

But Nick didn't see it that way.

He saw his fragile pregnant girlfriend who had tried to kill herself, holding a large blade.

He almost felt his heart stop.

"I'll do that," Nick choked out, his breath coming out in rapid puffs. Sara cocked her head to the side, confused at Nick's tone, but handed the knife over just the same. Nick took it with trembling fingers, and placed the knife further away from her.

Sara knew why he had taken the knife from her, and she was angry. She wasn't going to hurt herself again, and she had told him as much. So had the doctor. But she could understand why he would react as much.

As much as she had hurt herself in her suicide attempt, she had hurt him just as much, even more.

She stood up, deciding that maybe it would be best if she let Nick do the cooking. She didn't want to worry him more. Instead, she gestured to the bathroom.

"Can I have a shower?" She asked him timidly. "I feel really dirty… I hate hospitals you know."

She immediately regretted asking him. His eyes flashed with fear, and she remembered why. Would everything she do cause this reaction from him? Would he forever be scared to let her do normal things incase she did something that like again?

_She _had done this to him.

And she hated herself for it.

She walked over to him quickly, and wrapped her arms around him again. He was shaking, and Sara felt tears well up in her own eyes.

She was such a selfish person.

Trying to kill herself was the stupidest thing she had ever done.

She hadn't even considered how much it had hurt him.

If this was what he was like when she had survived, she hated to think about how he would have been if she had died.

She sniffed back tears, and rubbed Nick's back.

"I promise you I'll never hurt myself again, Nicky," she whispered softly to him. "I never should have, and it was stupid of me. Please believe me. Please. I never will try anything like that again."

He pulled away from her, and instead cupped her face between his hands, letting his thumbs brush away her tears. She could see tears in his own eyes, and she felt more and more guilty.

"But the thing is, darlin'," he said. "I _never _thought you would ever hurt yourself like that. How can I trust what you say, sweetheart…"

Sara felt her heart break, and she threw her arms around him again, burying her face deep in his chest.

"I need you to believe me," she whimpered desperately. "I give you my word, Nick. I don't know what came over me that night. But I know it won't happen again. Please…"

She trailed off, and Nick let his arms fold around her tiny form again, rocking her against him again.

"Okay," he breathed out. "I trust you."

She pulled away, and pressed her lips to his again.

"I'm going to go take a _shower_," she emphasized. "I'll be ten minutes. Promise."

She squeezed his hand gently, and walked towards the bathroom. Nick watched her go, and when he heard the water start, programmed 10 minutes into his watch.

Just to be sure.

He needn't have worried. Sara emerged 8 minutes later, a towel wrapped around her head, and a bright smile on her face. She shot him a teasing smile when she saw he was timing her.

"Didn't trust me, did you?"

Her tone was teasing, but he could see doubt in her eyes. He just smiled back at her, and grabbed her into his arms.

"I trust you."

And he hoped to God that she wouldn't give him another reason not to.

* * *

Please review and tell me what you think :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Authors Note:**

ANTIQUES ROADSHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heres the next chapter. Yes, its been awhile, and if you are still reading, thankyou.

If not. Oh Well. Go and Eat something. :)

Not beta'ed... simply because I dont have one.

* * *

Nick had nightmares that night. Nightmare and nightmare of Sara killing herself in different ways. Sometimes he found her in their bed, not breathing, a bottle of pills on the bedside table. Other times she'd have shot herself in their living room. Jumped off the building at the lab. And sometimes he'd find her in the bath, but this time he was too late to save her.

Each time he dreamt, he would wake up, and find her still curled up against him; still breathing, still alive. He'd kiss her hair, and cup her stomach, and thank who ever it was that she was still there with him.

He wondered when the fear would go away.

She was here.

She was safe.

She was _pregnant. _

She was his.

She was safe.

She was breathing.

She was safe.

Safe.

How many times would be have to say that to himself before he believed it?

Sara shifted in her sleep, and Nick gathered her more tightly in his arms. He was going to do everything in his power to make sure she would be okay. That their baby would be okay.

A small amount of joy forced its way through his grief. He was having a baby! They were having a baby! He was finally having the family he had always wanted. With Sara.

He left his fingers gently stroke her stomach. Would it be a girl, or a boy? Would it have his eyes, or Sara's? Would it like sports, or books?

Sara moved again, and let out a small murmur, yet didn't wake up. Nick closed his eyes, and let himself fall back to sleep, joining Sara in slumber.

* * *

When she woke up the next morning, she felt warm. No, hot. Nicks' arms were wrapped tightly around her, and the thick blanket was thrown over them. Feeling the need to go to the bathroom, she removed Nicks hands from around her waist, and slipped out of bed. She wasn't even half way across the room before she heard Nicks' sleepy voice.

"Where you going?"

"Bathroom," she told him. "I'll be two minutes."

By the time she came out, Nick was up and in the kitchen. She walked up to him, and wrapped her arms around him. He let out a small sigh, and buried his face in her soft hair. She smelt so good. So alive.

"How are you this morning?" he asked her, letting one hand settle on the small of her back.

"I'm good," she said, and she actually felt it. She smiled.

"You want some breakfast?"

She nodded, and he smiled back at her. There was a pregnant pause as he stood there, unsure what to do or say.

"Its okay, Nick," Sara said softly. "You don't have to treat me like glass."

He sighed. "I know, sweetie. I'm just worried."

But what he was really thinking was; _but you're so fragile. _

He pulled her to him, and they hugged again, neither of them unwilling to let go of the other.

"I have an appointment today," Sara told him. "With my doctor... I need to get vitamins... and a checkup."

Nick smiled a wide smile. "I can come?"

Sara nodded, but a twist of guilt rode in her stomach, but she hid it well.

Nick did deserve to know the truth.

But more than that, he deserved a child.

"I'll make you an omelette!" Nick said, oblivious to her thoughts, and began to move around the kitchen, pulling ingredients from the fridge.

She smiled at him again.

He was better off not knowing.

* * *

Nick shivered as he stepped into the bathroom to take a shower. He kept his eyes away from the bathtub, but he could still see it out of the corner of his eye.

Would it haunt him forever?

He shrugged out of his clothes, and turned on the water, letting the steam fill the bathroom. He showered quickly, still not sure enough to allow Sara out of his sight for long periods of time.

He grabbed the soap and began to scrub his skin hard.

At least he could deal with the physical pain.

* * *

Out in the living room, Sara sat on the couch, dressed in a long sleeved shirt and a pair of jeans. She could hear Nick still in the shower, and she savored the time alone.

Sometimes she felt the need to be alone, and she knew the only time she would get would be when Nick was showering.

When you're hungry, you eat.

She sat there in silence for a while, and soon Nick joined her.

"You ready to go?"

She turned to him an nodded. He stood up, and went to grab his jacket.

All of a sudden, Sara felt her hand twitching painfully, and felt her eyes rolling back in her head. She panicked, and gasped.

But it was over as soon as it began, and Nick was back, smiling unknowingly at her.

"You okay?"

She nodded, but the moment of panic was still there.

He grabbed her hand, and led her out of he house, locking it behind him.

Nick had no idea.

And he never would.

* * *

TBC...

Please Review.


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

That night, Sara couldn't sleep. She felt so guilty for lying to Nick. 

He had an arm rested around her middle, and was snoring softly in her ear, but she felt sick. So sick. She was lying to him.

She couldn't do this anymore.

She slipped out of bed, but didn't kiss him. She made that mistake last time. With trembling fingers, she opened her bedside draw, and pulled out her service weapon. She swallowed, and left the room, the gun in her hands.

She sat on the couch, fingering the weapon slightly. She didn't want it to have come to this. But... she just couldn't do it anymore.

"I love you, Nick," She whispered, and pushed the barrel of the gun against her temple.

She pulled the trigger.

* * *

Nick heard a shot, and jumped out of bed, reaching for Sara. 

But she wasn't there.

He felt his heart beat grow faster as he leapt from the bed and sprinted out of the room.

Sara lay dead.

"SARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed. He ran across the room, his body shaking so hard.

No. She couldn't have done this to him.

To their child.

Sara's eyes were wide, and Nick felt so angry.

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS," He yelled. "I LOVED YOU!"

He grabbed the gun from her hands, and put it in his mouth.

"I can't live without you, Sara," he said.

And shot himself, his body collapsing on top of hers.

* * *

Greg found the bodies the next day. Sick from shock, he'd killed himself. Grissom, also in shock, left the country. Warrick went and shot a lot of people in anger. Catherine was left to organize everything. 

The funerals took place a week later.

* * *

THE END 


End file.
